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The Verb ‘to be’ July 1, 2007

Posted by The Truth in Im Allgemeinen.
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Isn’t it interesting how a simple verb conjugation can express so much? The verb to be is one of the few remaining strong verbs in English which is consciously and always correctly conjugated. We have i am, you are, he/she/it is, we are for Praesens, singular was, plural were in Praeteritum. And with each of these forms, you can write a story.

I was in Koblenz with her today to wander the town without a map (yes, i like blind wandering) and i don’t know if it made my day or it ruined it. She thinks that maybe she ruined it. And she asked if i wanted to go home early. But i didn’t, because i probably won’t get the chance to wander a town soon (Klausuren are just around the corner…) and because…i don’t know – maybe i just don’t want to lose her. Maybe i’m selfish and stupid, but the good part of it is that maybe she told me early enough – you know, dating someone creates emotional baggage, and luckily mine was cut off when it was just a plastic bag full. Imagine if this dragged on with both of us maintaining the illusion – a suitcase full of emotional baggage is something i am loathe to face.

But it hurts, and it was so awkward: you know those times when you went out with someone who just rejected you? There’s nothing more you can say, and try as you might, the words never come – the only words which come are the words why and how and all the accusations and all the self-pity and the desperate wish that you heard it wrongly. Yes, i spent a pretty awkward day in Koblenz. But for it, the company was okay, in that we managed to talk and all. People say you should avoid such people – really? I probably would avoid someone who cheated on me. But still.

Perhaps the silence spoke volumes.

And i have sidetracked once again. Tonight’s topic is the verb to be, although this is no linguistical essay – it’s probably a story of a person who is suddenly lonely again, yes, just-like-that kind of suddenly. And so…

i am (1st person singular)…sad. lonely. thinking about what a pity it was. still liking and thinking of her. waiting for a message which will never arrive. despairing at the awkwardness. slightly depressed. hopeful. hopeless. stupid. emotional. listening to sad songs on iTunes. pensive. sighing. contemplating if distance is The Cure. in need of a good whiskey. dealing with an emotional wound without any anesthesia. learning to forgive and forget. too nice? listening to the Fray. not sure if i really fell head-over-heels, or if i was scratching an itch. rejected. unwanted and unloved? handsome. a charmer. poor at interpreting signals. intense. tired of being alone. wondering if love will ever find me. alone.

she is (3rd person singular)…in her own words, ‘a bitch.’ kind. smiling. has green eyes. willing to build on something else other than romantic love (platonic love?) in love with someone else, or in like of someone else. cruel. not exactly looking. easy to like. a box of mysteries. listening to Breathe (2 A.M.) on the train, three times over. jaded. wishing she could change the world. creating distance? someone i see at least twice a week. asking me ‘are we there yet?’ after hours and hours of wandering. an enigma. linking her arm in mine. correcting my German. ‘just a friend.’

we are (1st person plural)friends? the future? going to get married in a retirement home? friends who can grow closer. strangers. in need of distance. the glowing coals in a dying fire which grow cold. walking through the Trierer Innenstadt after a hot dinner. walking partners. lifelong friends? storytellers. split asunder. nothing. acquaintances. over? beginning? a book in the making? just friends. complementary. similar? lost in Koblenz.

Good night, world. Time to sleep.

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