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Dashboard Confessional feat. Juli – Stolen July 29, 2007

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I apologise for the Emo-Ness. July 28, 2007

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I apologise for the emo posts. But i just had to get it off me, although i AM still lost in thought and emotional. The post in German is not for anyone to understand, of course, unless you understand German. If you do understand German, you are either:

  1. Very lucky
  2. the addressee of the post
  3. a passerby who wants a random read in a foreign language
  4. a nosey person.

Anyway. Let’s play Spartan Monopoly, shall we?

thermopylae.jpg

Das, was tief verborgen bleibt July 27, 2007

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GJ ist ein Persona, das ich geschaffen habe, damit ich mit der Welt umgehen kann. Er ist jemand, der einem Teil von mir entspricht – ein Steh-Auf-Mann, selbstbewusst, optimistisch, lustig, spontan – all dies würde man auch gewissermaßen erkennen, wenn man mich (auch wenn er weg ist) betrachtet.

Heute, jetzt sogar, schreibe ich als guojun – ich schreibe als ich selbst, weder aus der Sicht von jemandem, der sich an die Politik zu Hause verzweifelt fühlt, noch hinter der Maske, die ich oft an der Universität trage. Und weil ich auch weiß, dass die überwiegende Mehrheit von euch das gar nicht verstehen würden, und von daher auch wissen, dass es euch nichts angehen soll.

Wie fühlt es sich an, durchschaut zu sein? Es ist einerseits unangenehm, andererseits aber auch beruhigend – unangenehm weil ich weiß, dass ich diesem Menschen wenig vorenthalten kann, wenn sie mich ja ohne Weiteres durchschauen kann, aber auch beruhigend, denn ich weiß, wem ich mein Herzen offenbaren kann. Ich lag gestern Abend schlaflos im Bett, darüber nachdenkend, was mir erzählt wurde, was du von mir eigentlich hältst, und wie du alles so präzise gesagt hast, ohne es irgendwie zu beschönigen. Und als ich heute aufgestanden bin, erkannte ich ja, dass ich immer noch am Nachdenken war. Wie ich jetzt auch bin.

Warum also schreibe ich denn das alles nieder? Weil das Schreiben für mich eine gewisse Möglichkeit ist, meine Gedanken zu verlangsamen und zu verarbeiten – Warum malst du? Vielleicht malst du aus denselben Gründen.

Du hast Recht – es ist eigentlich nur diejenigen, die uns eigentlich wichtig sind, die uns manchmal so anstrengen. Vielleicht fand ich ja die vergangenen Woche genau deswegen so anstrengend – es ist anstrengend, auf jemanden böse zu sein, jemandem gegenüber Abneigung zu zeigen, der eigentlich dir viel bedeutet – aber was könnten wir als Mensch dafür? Gefühle sind ja schließlich das, was uns zum Menschen macht – total anstrengend war das deswegen, weil du mir auch viel bedeutest. Als du mir erzählt hast, was du von mir eigentlich hältst, was du toll an mir findest, und auch die Dinge, die du keinem anderen erzählen würdest, bedeutest du mir umso mehr.

Ob ich denn an Schicksal glaube? Jep, ich glaube an Schicksal. Woher könntest du denn das Gefühl haben, dass du mich irgendwo kennst, wenn wir uns noch nie so richtig angesprochen hatten? Vielleicht ist das Schicksal. Wenn da jemand zu einem Zeitpunkt deines Lebens in dein Leben auftritt, der dir durch die schönste/schwierigste/schlimmste/usw. Zeit des Lebens begleitet, der vielleicht noch später irgendwann wieder verschwindet, oder den du vielleicht schon gekannt, und immer noch kennen wirst, egal, was passiert. Dies können wir ja nicht in den Griff bekommen, es sei denn, das Schicksal hat uns das verschenkt – nun kommt es darauf an, was man daraus macht bzw. was man daraus nicht macht.

Empfindsam bin ich, obwohl ich das fast keinem zeige. Ich interpretiere viel in die Dinge hinein, und vielleicht kann ich deshalb verstehen, was die anderen nicht zum Ausdruck bringen. Umgekehrt ist es aber nicht der Fall – nur wenige können mich verstehen. Sogar meine Eltern verstehen mich nicht – meine Erziehung hat mich so geschaffen, dass ich vor ihnen selten die echte Wahrheit (d.h., ohne Anasthesia) sage, weil sie einfach nicht daran gewöhnt sind, das mal zu hören bzw. zu akzeptieren. Zu Hause ist ja Streitvermeidung mein einziges Ziel.

Genau deswegen bin ich leicht zu verletzen. Die richtigen Wörter, die richtige Haltung, die eine Handlung kann mich tief treffen, auch wenn ich darüber hinwegzusehen scheine. Ich weiß, dass ich irgendwann wieder aufstehen werde – die Frage ist nun wann…ich versuche immer zu vergeben, aber vergessen tue ich nur schwer. Forgiven, but not forgotten – es heißt natürlich nicht, dass ich das irgendwann gegen dich oder gegen jemanden verwenden werde (wie z.B. im Falle von Erpressung) – ich will nur, dass ich das hinter mir lassen kann. Manchmal tue ich mit Gewissheit davon, was früher geschah, noch dasselbe (ist ja schon vorgekommen!) – ich weiß, so blöd darf man nicht sein – aber könnte denn jemand die Zukunft vorhersagen? Immer ist alles anders…

Du hast mir schon viel erzählt, und du schätzt es, dass ich immer das, was ich davon halte, dir mitteile. Bis zum gestern Abend hatte ich das aber nicht getan. Aber vielleicht ist da tatsächlich jemand, dem ich vieles anvertrauen kann. Du wirst mich im Laufe der Zeit noch näher kennen lernen. Das verspreche ich dir. There’s no taking without giving, und umgekehrt.

(Nein, schizophren bin ich nicht!)

Someone Who Tells You Who You Are… July 26, 2007

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Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it’s fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

I’ve met someone who can tell me who i am. Someone who perceives deeper and who removes the façade of who you want others to believe you are, a persona who is partly you, but partly not you. And it seems to work the same way for her. I seem to be able to perceive who she is, her moods, the little nuances.

It’s touching in a way how she has opened herself up to me, shedding off bits and pieces of the armour she wears, gradually removing the stones of her walls. I am truly greatly honoured to know someone who said to me that the very first time she saw me, she felt that she knew me and she knew immediately: auf ihn ist Verlass. I wish there were people which i could say the same of immediately. Do you remember, reuben, lucifer, that at first we were actually a bit against each other? Lucifer, i really wanted to punch you in the gob.

But it worked out in the end. Maybe it’s because we’re all so similar that in the beginning, we perceived each other automatically as threats to each other. Lucifer put it in a very potent way: either we will be friends for life, or we will be trying to screw each other over royally constantly, all the time. You guys are people which i can say now, and for always: auf euch ist Verlass. Because it is like that.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

Wie hast du mich durchschaut? Wie erkennst du, dass ich einfach jemanden brauche, dem ich alles anvertrauen kann? Dem ich alles, was mir am Herzen liegt, erzählen kann? Jemand, der einfach zuhört und darüber hinaus auch mir etwas erzählt? Wie hattest du gewusst, dass ich vielleicht dich deswegen ‘gewählt’ habe, wenn ich das selber nicht weiß?

And here, i may have found someone who is like that. I’m a little very pensive tonight, because this particular someone is someone who sees me for who i am, und zwar vom Instinkt her – and because there is a link – there are things we tell each other that you guys don’t know and probably won’t understand. And yes, i admitted that i am like that. I told her who i was. Not everything, but most – because knowing someone is like a story – you never get the full picture, but after reading the first few chapters, you’ll know if the book is a good read or not.

You fasten my seatbelt because it is the law.
In your two ton death trap I finally saw.
A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret.
Then you drove me to places I’ll never forget.

You know, im Nachhinein, i am actually quite touched. I always seem to shrug things off and laugh them off, to be positive and to not let the world get me down. Perhaps that side of me will never change, but now i’m thinking: So perhaps this is a person which i can let my guard down for.

Welcome to my life.

Hijo de la Luna… July 21, 2007

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A gypsy woman begs to the Moon to give her a gypsy man. The Moon replies, saying, ‘you will find your man, but only if you give me your first child….’

Yeah Dude, I Rock! July 21, 2007

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Sorry for the hiatus, but yours truly has been hitting the books. Althochdeutsch or any old language is no joke…what with verb flection, yadda, yadda. BUT! It’s all over!

And, come to think of it, so is my 2nd semester. So much has happened…so much that i could write a book about it. I’ve been hurt, but maybe i’m healed. Maybe i’m still healing. Oh well, the rush of liberation tends to make everything really positive. Waiting and seeing!

So…i still have one more Philostammtisch (where i intend to get high but not wasted), and one more shopping spree and well…doing the ground research for my Hausarbeiten – you know the works. Photocopying essays, readings, yadda. And then it’s back to Singapore!

Part of me doesn’t really want to go back. I love things the way they are now. I love my friends here, i love my subjects, i love the freedom – more importantly, here, i can really love myself without always placing others before me. Call me selfish, call me what you want – but for me, the balance lies between what you are and what others expect of you. In a society where you do nothing but live up to what others expect – is it worth it?

No, it is not.

Still! The Klausur is over and done with. It wasn’t easy, but after the whole thing…i can just say to myself now: ‘yeah, dude, i rock!’ 12 more days before i leave summery…okay more springy Germany. I am going to miss the crazy folk here i’ve come to know better and come to treasure. But then, another kind of treasure awaits at home…

JJ, Part III July 11, 2007

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Once upon a time, in the Army, my upperstudy, JJ, decided that it was fun to remind the unit that someone (a 2WO, actually) enjoyed playing golf during office hours. Well, not really, but it just so happened that he sent a friendly email expousing the wonders of golf in the afternoon during office hours to the entire unit.

Not too long after that, when i was stressed up packing for BATTLEKING ’05, i sent an angry mail to everyone in the unit as well. For a period of time, i was known as JJ, Version 2.0.

And it seems that NOW, there is JJ, part III! Ähm…it’s not very convenient for me to discuss this, but this story should help:

Dear Diary,

I have a story to tell. I work in a subsidary of my father’s big company. Actually I only working there for a while to show that I am treated like everyone of his employees. This is so that I can take over my dad’s position when I come back from my further studies, look nicer mah hor? I am going overseas for my studies this month.

There is this colleague of mine who shares a similiar job scope with me, but he damn jialat… He sign a contract with my dad’s company but holds a part time job outside his working hours. Then in the end, he everytime pang seh me and disappear during working hours. In the end, I have to clear a lot of work for him instead.

However, I cannot complain, at least while I am not in service of my dad’s company. Now that I am gonna go overseas for studies, time to take action. I sent letters to tell all my uncles (aka my dad’s ka kia), my supervisor and my colleagues that this colleague of mine had been bullying me. Finally sexposed him le, I hope he die jia lat jia lat. Juz heard that he might get his contracted terminated. ^_^

P.S. Damn, radio playing my dad’s favourite Black Eyed Peas song again, buay sian meh…

Impressive right? Even our good ol’ CDF is in on it. Like that ah, a lot of people in this company would have gotten their contracts terminated liao loh…Apparently, the higher up the social ladder one is, the more his head becomes stuck in the clouds…heh. JJ I and JJ II only happened in the confines of my unit. I actually wonder what would happen if i complained about my ex-CO to CDF…skip the chain of command mah. I mean, if a lowly 2LT can do it, why can’t we? ho say liao!

Walking Away. July 4, 2007

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I just told her that i was walking away, because to her now, i am effectively transparent. Apparently what she said about Aufgeschlossenheit wasn’t all that true anyway. And it hurts to say that you’re walking away, especially when you started the night with a spark of hope, only to have it quashed into nothingness.

So goodbye, you. You will know when i am fine again, probably the day when i run into you and introduce myself again. Probably i will disappear out of your life, or i will turn into glass – sad, huh?

Why? Where did i go wrong, that i had to lose you even as a friend? Is ‘Hi’ and ‘Tschüß’ all you can say? You take a picture of me and show it around, but you won’t let me see it one more time. Accusations. They’re useless anyway. Goodbye. Maybe you will let me in some time in the future. Maybe never ever.

I regret not getting more wasted.

The Verb ‘to be’ July 1, 2007

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Isn’t it interesting how a simple verb conjugation can express so much? The verb to be is one of the few remaining strong verbs in English which is consciously and always correctly conjugated. We have i am, you are, he/she/it is, we are for Praesens, singular was, plural were in Praeteritum. And with each of these forms, you can write a story.

I was in Koblenz with her today to wander the town without a map (yes, i like blind wandering) and i don’t know if it made my day or it ruined it. She thinks that maybe she ruined it. And she asked if i wanted to go home early. But i didn’t, because i probably won’t get the chance to wander a town soon (Klausuren are just around the corner…) and because…i don’t know – maybe i just don’t want to lose her. Maybe i’m selfish and stupid, but the good part of it is that maybe she told me early enough – you know, dating someone creates emotional baggage, and luckily mine was cut off when it was just a plastic bag full. Imagine if this dragged on with both of us maintaining the illusion – a suitcase full of emotional baggage is something i am loathe to face.

But it hurts, and it was so awkward: you know those times when you went out with someone who just rejected you? There’s nothing more you can say, and try as you might, the words never come – the only words which come are the words why and how and all the accusations and all the self-pity and the desperate wish that you heard it wrongly. Yes, i spent a pretty awkward day in Koblenz. But for it, the company was okay, in that we managed to talk and all. People say you should avoid such people – really? I probably would avoid someone who cheated on me. But still.

Perhaps the silence spoke volumes.

And i have sidetracked once again. Tonight’s topic is the verb to be, although this is no linguistical essay – it’s probably a story of a person who is suddenly lonely again, yes, just-like-that kind of suddenly. And so…

i am (1st person singular)…sad. lonely. thinking about what a pity it was. still liking and thinking of her. waiting for a message which will never arrive. despairing at the awkwardness. slightly depressed. hopeful. hopeless. stupid. emotional. listening to sad songs on iTunes. pensive. sighing. contemplating if distance is The Cure. in need of a good whiskey. dealing with an emotional wound without any anesthesia. learning to forgive and forget. too nice? listening to the Fray. not sure if i really fell head-over-heels, or if i was scratching an itch. rejected. unwanted and unloved? handsome. a charmer. poor at interpreting signals. intense. tired of being alone. wondering if love will ever find me. alone.

she is (3rd person singular)…in her own words, ‘a bitch.’ kind. smiling. has green eyes. willing to build on something else other than romantic love (platonic love?) in love with someone else, or in like of someone else. cruel. not exactly looking. easy to like. a box of mysteries. listening to Breathe (2 A.M.) on the train, three times over. jaded. wishing she could change the world. creating distance? someone i see at least twice a week. asking me ‘are we there yet?’ after hours and hours of wandering. an enigma. linking her arm in mine. correcting my German. ‘just a friend.’

we are (1st person plural)friends? the future? going to get married in a retirement home? friends who can grow closer. strangers. in need of distance. the glowing coals in a dying fire which grow cold. walking through the Trierer Innenstadt after a hot dinner. walking partners. lifelong friends? storytellers. split asunder. nothing. acquaintances. over? beginning? a book in the making? just friends. complementary. similar? lost in Koblenz.

Good night, world. Time to sleep.