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My Triumph and My Tragedy. August 21, 2006

Posted by The Truth in Im Allgemeinen.
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Words.

Aren’t they the simplest of things?

They’re vital for stuff like basic communications, or for writing the simplest of sentences. From the very beginning, once we begin to be able to read, we also begin to form words in our minds. Words which others can understand. Words which can describe the universe in a sentence, and words which can cause total war and bring brimstone and annihilation to millions of innocents.

Just words.

For me, words are my triumph, and also my tragedy. Why?

It’s something which has been recurring for way too many times. I really need to take some time off and re-think where i am.

For one, words are my triumph. It’s simple, obvious and for all to see – i can write. I know 3 languages. I’m about to learn 2 more when i go to Germany. I can twist a sentence to make it sound like the tingling of crystals, or to make it sound so debased and vulgar that even a gangster would avert his ears. If it strikes me sometimes, i can churn out beautiful, fantastic essays and poems, the very stuff of which dreams and wonders are made up of. I could convince an onion to cry. Yes, i believe i’m THAT good.

I don’t proclaim to be the best.

Taken from another light, words are also my tragedy. I always tend to say things which are too open to interpretation, and which, because of the way they are posed, almost always taken in the negative light. In other words, i always say things before i can process them. I say things as they come to mind, not as they pass through the cerebral cortex, or whatever part of the brain which is responsible for thought. In a way, you could say i’m an expert at being horribly blunt, or being cruel, or being the Devil’s Advocate at times. Oftentimes i want to say something just to emphasise a point. But the fact is that i don’t process it.

And this is a tragedy because i always end up stepping on toes. How many times has it happened already? And today i offended someone who is that close, THAT close to my heart – i’ve never let anyone come so close before.

Let me tell you a story.

I have a friend whom i used to offend time and time again because of what i said. Because of poor German, and because sometimes i really didn’t watch what i said. And it’s come to the stage where i have to think through every.single.word i say. She says it’s probably not totally my fault. But…BUT…it’s something which i really have to start taking into consideration. I can’t be doing this anymore. Why?

Why? Why.

It’s a simple question to ask. But it’s a difficult one to answer. I could probably finish a Magisterarbeit trying to explain why i do it.

How will this end? I don’t know. I can only cross my fingers and pray.

Why do i always screw up the good things which happen?

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