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SMS Happiness August 26, 2006

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Before i start, i should say…happy 21st, melvyn! I still love you even if you’ve gone away to the United States.

No, i wasn’t the one who slept on your pillow in camp.

And yeah we wanted to bring you to Desker Road…let the orh kwee tau give you a nice girl for your personal enjoyment…but ahh well. A dose of the clap is probably any guy’s idea of the birthday present from Hell, so…yes. HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN. Don’t smoke too much pot in the States. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Actually, it was pretty nice to catch up with everyone, considering all the 24 SA folks we talked to turned up – fats, forest, pornoman, johnny, yuru and people like dennis, kennard, jerry and huiren…okay lah. Of course, i had more trash to talk with my 24 SA people la…fuck man. I can’t believe we’ve ORD-ed…we still have so much shit to talk about. Sigh. I mean…a 24 SA gathering! Whoooooooo!

Okay, okay, i’ll admit it. I miss you all, you ugly fucks. HAHAHAHAHA

And i also received a message from her, which went to the effect of…

‘…hungry, tired, sleepy and missing you. How much worse can life get? …’

I don’t know why, but that message made my night. I was chuckling happily to myself for quite awhile.

I love you dear.

Something Random. August 21, 2006

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Something before i step out of the house.

What’s multiplied if you share it?

Joy. Happiness. Good tidings.

Frohe Botschaften geben sich weiter.

I still feel rotten. GAAAAHHHH!! Looks like last night’s alcohol fix wasn’t enough. But then, i have to be up today.

My Triumph and My Tragedy. August 21, 2006

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Words.

Aren’t they the simplest of things?

They’re vital for stuff like basic communications, or for writing the simplest of sentences. From the very beginning, once we begin to be able to read, we also begin to form words in our minds. Words which others can understand. Words which can describe the universe in a sentence, and words which can cause total war and bring brimstone and annihilation to millions of innocents.

Just words.

For me, words are my triumph, and also my tragedy. Why?

It’s something which has been recurring for way too many times. I really need to take some time off and re-think where i am.

For one, words are my triumph. It’s simple, obvious and for all to see – i can write. I know 3 languages. I’m about to learn 2 more when i go to Germany. I can twist a sentence to make it sound like the tingling of crystals, or to make it sound so debased and vulgar that even a gangster would avert his ears. If it strikes me sometimes, i can churn out beautiful, fantastic essays and poems, the very stuff of which dreams and wonders are made up of. I could convince an onion to cry. Yes, i believe i’m THAT good.

I don’t proclaim to be the best.

Taken from another light, words are also my tragedy. I always tend to say things which are too open to interpretation, and which, because of the way they are posed, almost always taken in the negative light. In other words, i always say things before i can process them. I say things as they come to mind, not as they pass through the cerebral cortex, or whatever part of the brain which is responsible for thought. In a way, you could say i’m an expert at being horribly blunt, or being cruel, or being the Devil’s Advocate at times. Oftentimes i want to say something just to emphasise a point. But the fact is that i don’t process it.

And this is a tragedy because i always end up stepping on toes. How many times has it happened already? And today i offended someone who is that close, THAT close to my heart – i’ve never let anyone come so close before.

Let me tell you a story.

I have a friend whom i used to offend time and time again because of what i said. Because of poor German, and because sometimes i really didn’t watch what i said. And it’s come to the stage where i have to think through every.single.word i say. She says it’s probably not totally my fault. But…BUT…it’s something which i really have to start taking into consideration. I can’t be doing this anymore. Why?

Why? Why.

It’s a simple question to ask. But it’s a difficult one to answer. I could probably finish a Magisterarbeit trying to explain why i do it.

How will this end? I don’t know. I can only cross my fingers and pray.

Why do i always screw up the good things which happen?

das banges Warten ist vorbei. August 20, 2006

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Today i got something in a brown paper envelope, with a blue Luftpost sticker on it.

With a heart full of trepidation, i tore the envelope open.

I stared. On it, printed in bold, were the following:

Ihr Antrag auf Zulassung zum Wintersemester 2006/2007

hier: Einladung und Anmeldung zur Deutschen Sprachprüfung für den Hochschulzugang ausländischer Studienbewerber (DSH)

Simply put, in English, it means…

I’VE BEEN ACCEPTED TO UNI TRIER!

And i screamed, ‘I’M GOING TO GERMANY!!!!’ And i grabbed my Schatz and twirled her around and kissed her cheeks and ruffled my brother’s hair and danced in front of my mom and banged on the bathroom door, where pops was showering.

Oh my goodness.

I still can’t believe it.

Dazwischengekommen. August 15, 2006

Posted by The Truth in Im Allgemeinen.
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Manchmal ist es so, dass ich anfange, die Umstände zu hassen, unter denen wir aufgewachsen sind. Manchmal überfällt mir die Verzweiflung, und ich frage mich: was hab ich denn getan, was hab ich mir eingebildet, dass ich künftig als Lehrer berufstätig werde, selbst wenn ich ans System hierzulande verzweifle?

Gucken Sie mal, und schauen Sie doch ein bisschen rum. Jetzt sind fast alle meine Freunden an der Uni und es ist schon nur der erste Tag, und sie haben angefangen, sich wieder die Nase in die Bücher zu stecken. Das läuft genau gegen meine Erwartungen von einem Uni-Studium. Es ist eine Zeit, um die Tatsache, dass wir jung sind, richtig zu zelebrieren. Und was machen die Jugendliche in Singapur stattdessen?

Sie studieren. Vielleicht studieren manche von ihnen gern. Aber es muss sicherlich Menschen da draußend geben, die bestimmt andere Hobbys als das sich-die-Nase-ins-Buch-zu-stecken haben. Aber man sagt, das ist halt das studentisches Leben in Singapur. Wer nicht studiert, verliert. Was sie verlieren, kann ich aber nicht nachvollziehen. Verlieren sie Zeit? Verlieren sie ihre Chancen auf dem Arbeitsmarkt? Das lässt sich nur darauf zurückziehen, dass wir einfach so sind. Wir müssen immer bereit sein, die Konkurrenz zu überwinden, auch wenn wir dafür unsere Träumen aufopfern müssen.

Ach wenn sie uns unsere Träumen erfüllen sehen lassen würden!

Was habe ich denn mir eingebildet, fragen Sie? Was erwarte ich vom Studium? Ich denke, das Studium in Deutschland wird bestimmt ganz anders aussehen…was ich aber nicht besonders vermissen würde, ist, der Bedarf nach Konkurrenzfähigsein. Deshalb habe ich mir was rausgesucht, was nicht nur mir passt, sondern auch ganz speziell ist. Als Deutschlehrer fragt man sich: wer konkurriert? Ich bin froh, erleichtert sogar, dass ich vom Singapur abhauen darf, um zu studieren. Das Studium in Singapur vermag ich nicht zu verkräften…

Warum müssen so viele Träumen verloren gehen? Warum kommt die Realität immer dazwischen? Ich weiss nicht, wie meine Zukunft aussieht. Ich weiss nicht Bescheid. Man sagt auch, anderswo ist es immer schöner…so muss es aber nicht sein. Aber manchmal ist es auch so, dass die Verzweiflung ihre Arme um mich schließt…Offenbar verzweifle ich nicht so ganz oft. Aber wie kann ich denn zuversichtig in die Zukunft schauen, selbst wenn meine Erwartung nicht mit denen von der Regierung übereinstimmen?

Und wie es jetzt aussieht, lässt es sich nichts bewegen. Kann nur auf einen Wunder hoffen, bevor auch mir die Hoffnung und Träumen im Herzen erlöschen. Mir graut es vor dem Tag, an dem ich erkenne, dass alles, was mir früher am Herzen lag, nur Schall und Rauch war.

no translations. only ask if you’re close to me. else, go and bother someone else.

Silbermond – Das Beste August 14, 2006

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xiaole, this is for you. It’s translated in your mail.

Ich habe einen Schatz gefunden, und er trägt Deinen Namen
So wunderschön und wertvoll, und mit keinem Geld der Welt zu bezahlen
Du schläfst neben mir ein, ich’ könnt Dich die ganze Nacht betrachten
Seh’n wenn Du schläfst, hör’n wie Du atmest, bis wir am Morgen erwachen

Du hast es wieder mal geschafft, mir den Atem zu rauben
Wenn Du neben mir liegst, dann kann ich es kaum glauben
Dass jemand wie ich so was schönes wie Dich verdient hat

Du bist das Beste, was mir je passiert ist, es tut so gut, wie Du mich liebst
Vergess’ den Rest der Welt, wenn Du bei mir bist
Du bist das Beste, was mir je passiert ist, es tut so gut, wie Du mich liebst
Ich sag’s Dir viel zu selten: es ist schön, dass es Dich gibt!
hey…

Dein Lachen macht süchtig, fast so, als wär’ es nicht von dieser Erde
Auch wenn Deine Nähe Gift wär’, ich würd’ ich bei Dir sein, solange, bis ich sterbe
Dein Verlassen würde Welten zerstören, doch daran will ich nicht denken
Viel zu schön ist es mit Dir, wenn wir uns gegenseitig Liebe schenken

Betank mich mit Kraft, nimm mir Zweifel von den Augen
Erzähl’ mir tausend Lügen, ich würd’ sie Dir alle glauben
Doch ein Zweifel bleibt, dass ich jemand wie Dich verdient hab’

Refrain

Wenn sich mein Leben überschlägt, bist Du die Ruhe und die Zuflucht
Weil alles, was Du mir gibst, einfach so unendlich gut tut
Wenn ich rastlos bin, bist Du die Reise ohne Ende
Und deshalb leg’ ich meine kleine grosse Welt in Deine schützenden Hände…

Ich liebe dich, Schatz.

And here’s a lil’ extra for all of you…it’s Someday We’ll Know! By the New Radicals! Enjoy.

Narren, Kinder, Schläfer, und Weise August 13, 2006

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Der, der nicht weiss, und nicht weiss, dass er nicht weiss, ist ein Narr – melde ihn.
Der, der nicht weiss, und weiss, dass er nicht weiss, ist ein Kind – lehre ihn.
Der, der weiss, und nicht weiss, dass er weiss, schläft – erwecke ihn.
Doch der, der weiss, und weiss, dass er weiss, ist ein Weiser – folg ihm.

Slutted off The Pathless Land. Wisdom at 3 in the morning.

Translated, it goes like this:

-he who is ignorant, but is ignorant of his ignorance, is a fool – report him.
he who is ignorant, but is aware of his ignorance, is a child – teach him.
he who is knowledgeable, but who is ignorant of his knowledge, sleeps – wake him.
but, he who is knowledgeable, and is aware of his knowledge, is wise – follow him.

Truly, however, i think a truly wise person is one who is knowledgeable, and is aware of it, but is aware of his ignorance in other places, or the limits of his knowledge. A wise person also doesn’t dwell too much on his lack of knowledge, and uses his faculties wisely.

Alright. August 12, 2006

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It’ll be all right.

Introductions and Afterthoughts August 11, 2006

Posted by The Truth in WARNING: Heavy Reading Ahead.
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WARNING: Heavy Reading Ahead. Okay, not so heavy as the past few. But still. Sit down, and read about it.

It’s scary, isn’t it? How come The Sandman has been able to give me such a rich insight into things, and why is it in my heart gradually becoming a compulsory lit text for all students? Okay, so it’s very disturbing sometimes….make that very disturbing. But still. Here a little something just to share with you.

For The Sandman, it pays to read the introductions. You’ll gain a much deeper insight into whatever is going to be told to you, be it comfortable or not. neil gaiman has many hidden meanings which probably won’t become clear unless you’re the man himself, or have been studying lit for like ages, probing into every nook and cranny for the slightest sense of hidden meaning (which is perfectly meaningless to do, in some cases, and i suspect it’ll warp your reading experience) I was reading the introduction for A Game of You, for the second time, post-reading, when it struck me at the the point gaiman was trying to get at. The point is so:

Have you ever heard of the Ich-Gesellschaft? The game of me? It’s probably something you’ll be familiar with, dear reader. It’s very simple, and perhaps very base, because simply put it’s the survival instinct multiplied by a few hundred thousand times, to encompass all your needs and desires. It doesn’t matter whatever happens, because I come first. And everything else is just to give the self context. In it, one tends to see all relationships as subordinate to the self…that everyone around is just to serve and further the self. And the point is that:

It’s not going to work.

We can never hope to win the game of I, because being humans, we’ll always want more. We’ll always want it better. And then this expands into the universe we’ve built around us, by enforcing our needs and desires, either implicitly or explicitly, upon those around us. A man wishes for a son, but got a daughter. His disappointment is a huge source of indignation for the wife, because she carried the unborn one for 10 months, didn’t she? And so the birth of a new life, one of the magical moments, becomes a source of conflict in the household. It’s always the question of what I want, and not what you/we/everyone else is waiting for.

Politics, for example, is simply the game of I carried onto the stage of Weltpolitik. Whatever a country wants most, that country will strive to get – however, this is done in the full knowledge that because other countries are also playing this very same game, so there’s no way you are going to come first. Weltpolitik is, thus, nothing more than a game of chess, but the stakes for which are unimaginably high. International arbiters like the UN, for example, are probably nothing more than the voice of reason, and within the UN, the game is being played too. They’ll only think of you when they can get something nice out of it.

In A Game of You, gaiman tries to emphasise on the point that the only game we can ever hope to come out tops at is the game of you. Which is probably true in a sense, and would promote world peace if people actually began to think that way. Relationships bind both ways. Although they restrict us at times, but on the other hand, they’re what gives us support and a light in our dark hours. Do you get what i’m trying to say?

What i’m trying to say is that although the self is important, sometimes we should give others priority, because if we do, we’ll be better off as a whole. The actions of others influence us, just as our actions influence them. You can’t become what you really want to be without support from me, or him, or her, but taken from their 1st person perspective, you can’t become what you really want to be without support from me.

Great things aren’t great without the experience. If you fast-forwarded through all the hardship, support and love, where would the ‘great’ be in great things? And who would you have to thank for the laurels you rest on? And as a perfect counterpoint to it, while great things remain intrinsically…great (as the name must suggest by now,) it’s the little moments when your friends, lovers and family lend you support, a shoulder to cry on, or a helping hand which probably makes it really that worthwhile.

Self-Bashing. August 10, 2006

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WARNING: Parental Advisory. Coarse Language.

So i was chatting with the missus until 0330 this morning and i was thinking to myself…hmm so where the fuck is my phone anyway?!

Rummaging about in the house and the car later…i deduced that it wasn’t at home. That wasn’t so bad, i thought. Maybe i left it at the supper place. Until i called my number. And it was OFF. FUCKING OFF.

In Singapore, (or in anywhere else for that matter,) it probably means one thing: YOUR HANDPHONE IS FUCKING GONE. Gone. No more. Weg. Es ist eigentlich so, als ob ich noch nie dieses verschissenes Handy besitzt hätte.

So yeah. FUCK. Fuck me for being so careless, and fuck the fucker who took it. Say it once, and say it again. Sag es ohne Ende, und schrei es aus deinem Fenster laut.

FUCK IT!

What probably makes it worse is the fact that the missus, noting that my Handy is quite…heruntergekommen, got me a new cover and such. That doesn’t make it any easier…and i think i hate myself all the more for that.

I haven’t been chain-fagging over the past few hours, but i’d be lying if i said that i’m not missing those oxygen sticks, in a deep and profound manner. I’m just so fucking pissed off with myself! GAD DAMN IT! To think i was so pissed with myself that i raised my voice at the missus just now on the phone…okay so i was blaming myself and all but still it’s not very nice…considering i don’t raise my voice at people a lot.

I’m sorry, xiaole.

Now i’ll be on my camp phone. Don’t worry, i still have some of your numbers. But you can be a dear and send them to me under a comment or per MSN. That’ll be a godsend from you all…

And life goes on. It’s a cooling nice morning today but somehow i’m all hot and bothered (not in the sexual sense you horny fuckheads, if you think that way go and fuck a dog. JEEZ.)

Hopefully the Handys are cheap in Germany…