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The Smoker’s Code of Conduct July 26, 2006

Posted by The Truth in ClubLife Originals.
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NOTE: This is an original unedited version of an article which is slated for publication on ClubLife. Do drop by, please (aiya, support-support a bit la) for more on the good life! Any grammatical/vocabulary errors are the author’s own, and he does not accepts responsibility for it. He is abhorrentthankful for your feedback.

Okay, so there are now little yellow boxes all around Singapore. Kopitiams are now increasingly smoke-free (much to the chagrin of smokers, i’m sure.) But will they really reduce the number of smokers in Singapore?

I’ll admit it. I picked up the fags in the Army. I’m stopping now, but if you shake a pack of fags in my face and offer me one, there’s still a 50% chance i’ll accept it, albeit with a guilty shrug and a sheepish smile. (I’ll try a cigar, anyday however, so will anyone treat me to one?) And here are some things which, as a fagger, you should watch out about. Spare a thought for the people around you.

  1. Your mom/dad/lover/siblings will bug you incessantly. Of course, you can fag in private. But since fagging is a social thing, where’s the fun in fagging in private? Well, be smart and cover your tracks, if you have to. You don’t want that irate parent/lover shaking a pack in your face, throwing all sorts of accusations at you. And can you imagine the disappointment they experience? Remember: THEY LOVE YOU, even if you fag. It happened to me once. I don’t intend for it to happen again. And that’s why i’m quitting. I don’t want to disappoint anyone, anymore.
  2. Get mints. Even smokers shun someone who’s just had two in a row, especially if your fags are the especially smelly kind (Reds, especially, of any brand.) If you must fag, and image is important, get mints. Or change your brand. Dunhills/Mild Sevens tend to reek less than brands like Viceroy or Marlboro. And they have nifty stuff like charcoal filters, which filter out more toxins. Smoke is bad for you, however. Don’t forget. Alternatively, get a box of mints which you’ll carry around you all the time. Pop two before you go for that important appointment.
  3. Smoke can be irritating. If you can, find a yellow box. If not, avoid bus-stops and coffeeshops. Smoke irritates the eyes of others, smokers included. If you don’t want people to tell you to get lost because your smoke/ash is getting in their eyes, change the way you smoke, or smoke less. Even better, don’t smoke in front of these people at all.
  4. Your hands are going to be smelly. It’s been shown in a study that your hands will only smell squeaky clean if you work in a chemical factory, or a week after quitting. Take that into consideration. How will that next handshake smell like? Of course, you can cover it with cologne, or if you’re smart, you can get a metal holder which those ah peks use to smoke their smelly Reds. That way, you’ll do away with the smelly hands problem. Alternatively, if you can finish a fag without using your hands, then i have nothing to say. Give that man a cigar!
  5. So will your clothes, actually. A-pack-a-day man? Watch those clothes. Summer cologne, which is offered by many brands, tend to be fresher and last shorter than eau de toilette. Also, get a muskier smell to mask the tobacco, not a fresh sprightly citrus zest scent. Also, the material of your clothes also matter. If your clothes are more porous, they tend to trap the smell for longer. Wash them regularly, if you will. Watch out, mister Tobacco.
  6. Cigarettes are NOT really that useful. Of course, they may help you get that leggy femme fatale at the club. And they may help you to detect laser motion sensors. And they’re useful in the Army, when it’s 4 a.m. and you’re stuck in some Godforsaken training area, complete with Commando mosquitoes. But outside, they’re not really that useful. Oxygen sticks aren’t exactly that symbolic of the Alpha Male of yore. Of course, if you can pull off the look, then do whatever cooks your noodle, y’know?

And that’s about it. My advice would be for you, dear fagger, to QUIT. Hopefully one day i’ll walk the streets of Singapore completely smoke-free. And those are just the social standpoints of it. I don’t want to delve into the medical aspects of it. Have fun. If you must light up, remember: put others before yourself. Consideration will go a long way in any society, be they smokers or not.

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