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Fearing to Love… June 30, 2006

Posted by The Truth in Im Allgemeinen.

I think i’m falling for a girl.

I barely know her. We weren’t introduced ages ago, but we ‘clicked’ and found many parallels, many things we could talk about: stories, hopes, histories, fears, dreams, and the things which make you want to cry suddenly, but yet you can’t just cry about. We’ve told each other things you don’t tell to someone you know for 2 weeks, or which you may not tell them even after 2 years.

Pardon me for all the emo shit. It’s just that i’ve been coming under attacks from the Emo Armed Forces…yup you got it, Despair Bombs and emotional nukes. They’re pulling out all the stops this time. No, my soldiers with the plastic rifles and universal rounds can’t do jack shit about it. Don’t even think of it…(so we need the X-Men?)

For one, i’m going away very soon. That’s already a big stone in the path…(think about a rockfall in your path) and i’ve seen so many relationships break up, so many fires flare up, and then die down quietly because of the distance. But yet there’s the hope that by some kind of magic, the stars and the Moon, Venus, or anyone hearing upstairs will guide us down a road, like a lighthouse bringing lost ships back to port in the darkest of nights. 5 years. It’s not going to be easy, when we’re seperated by 10,000 kilometers (in the literal sense) and even if i can save up to fly her over, will things be the same? Will things be different?

Shuying said: ‘It’s going to be practically more painful.’ Yes, it means missing someone, pining for that someone, and taking care of yourself for that someone. It means potentially breaking up, with the follow-up risks of having sex with casual abandon, drinking binges, a-pack-a-day smoking habits, poor results, over-eating, or just staring into the TV 20 hours a day. But, without any pain, despair and loss, how do you make the sentence ‘and so they lived happily ever after‘ sound right?

I know i’m sounding like i’ve popped a few pills bottles of ‘Go-Emo-Now-And-Let-The-Desire-Speak.’ But bear with me.

There’s always that little nagging voice, at the back of your head, saying ‘you never know…’ It’s always there, when you’re contemplating the insignificant and the great; jumping off a bungee platform, trying your first Flaming Lamborghini, signing up for an insurance plan, speeding on an expressway, your first kiss, getting into a relationship, accepting a proposal, trying out the stuff which you cooked on your virgin cooking experience…yes that many things. And it’s asking me that same question, time and time again, in a maddening monotone.

I’m going too fast, without any brakes, and everyone knows what happens when you go too fast without any brakes. The crash and burn is just all the more splendid, in a horrible, hellish kind of way.



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