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Long Drives, Old Friends, Emo Music, and Big Plans May 8, 2006

Posted by The Truth in Im Allgemeinen.
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Du bist allein gekommen, und alleine wirst du gehen
Jemandem willkomen heissen heisst auch Abschied nehmen
Willst nicht wissen, was mit dir, sondern wegen dir geschah
Ob du Spüren hinterlässt, dein Gehimnis offenbarst…

-Laith al-Deen, Tage Fallen Wie Blätter

Sigh.

Why do i feel so empty all of a sudden? It's like a sucker-punch to the solar plexus when you least expect it. And it's all a potent mix of the usual suspects: Class 95 and long drives on empty roads. I guess what set it all off was when i was sending ivy home from dinner out with her. After that, i sorta decided to take the long road home, going the West Coast way. For those of you who aren't used to driving along that stretch of road on a Sunday night around 2230 hrs, that stretch is deserted. It's like a ghost road which leads to nowhere in limbo.

Class 95 was playing the best of the 90er on the radio, which must have been what inadvertently put me into gear emo. Don't you just love it when this happens? There you are, sitting in your car idling at 1st gear, waiting for the light to turn green, when the sadness breaks over you like a giant tidal wave. I don't know why, but sometimes i just feel the need to go emo. When i was driving home, i just felt this infinite sense of melancholy, as though i were mourning the days long past à la mourning a dead friend.

Ivy and i were talking in the car about those good old days in NJC…when everything just seemed so simple. Those were 2 years of school when i woke up every morning raring to go because i.really.liked.school! I really loved my class and my classmates…where on Earth are you going to find another band of brothers and sisters who were so honest, and who were willing to have a good belly laugh despite the worst of times?

I also realised that we've made many lifelong friends here. And we still have a long, long way ahead of us, and as Xavier Naidoo sings it, dieser Weg wird kein leichter sein…and we have made many plans too. Like how our next big plan is to remake ClubLife into the Next Big Thing in the campuses…i mean, of course we're all excited and voller Zuversicht…but driving home i wondered how far we could actually go. (If going emo makes me more pessimistic, i can't help it…) Old Friends and Big Plans…either we'll make it real big oder wir gehen im Zusammenbruch…

And it's also a point when my life seems a wreck. I haven't applied to the unis because someone is holding up my time, while everyone is already looking forward to 4 rosy years in uni and ClubLife. I'm the only one who's like standing alone, who's reached a nadir of sorts in certain aspects of life, who's not doing anything particularly beneficial to his body, who's all alone in a big big world, while everyone around is moving on. I'm the one who feels like he needs a time out, a getaway, who feels like he has to make a lot of apologies to a lot of people, who feels like everything he is is just a façade, where no one understands that he's real, too.

It all seems so unrealistic. Big plans which can reap equally big rewards or equally big repercussions. Old friends who will stay forever. All the ideals and dreams of the future. Am i living a dream?

Chivas Regal's 12 Year Old whiskey is being pretty kind by keeping me company. I lead the Chivas life, yosh. Heh. Either way, i don't know. Maybe i like long drives and emo music because of the effect it has upon me. It's not an escape – i hate seeing everything through a black-and-white filter – but i don't know. It makes me sad, but strangely comforted too. Maybe it's because i know that I still exist.

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